A birthday card with the caption "Your Friendship is like a breath of fresh air!"

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April 1998 
Hi Sue, 

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week 
I had a bad day at the office. Before can tell you what happened to 
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. 
As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a 
suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is 
quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered 
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water 
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down 
to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. 
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several 
times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and 
start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. 

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a 
Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started 
to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. 
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out 
from my back, but the damage was done. 
In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine 
had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse 
than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down 
my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get 
stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I 
thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. 
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. 
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 
other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the 
dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 
minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface 
wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to 
the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter 
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it 
up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days 
because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could 
easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward 
side of the ship. 

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. 
Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a 
jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if 
you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. 
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. 

Love, 
Brian 

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http://www.nautilusproductions.com/diver.htm a Scuba Dictionary

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http://www.scubasuperpower.com/Dfunny1.html Random Scuba Humor

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http://www.schraderville.com/humor.htm  another site containing some scuba related humor.

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http://www.seapix.com/Slapshots/decobar.htm  Equipment advice

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Seen something Dive-related and funny!?  (send to eddiezucker@earthlink.net)