Elite Divers "Grocery Diver's " Really Lame Cookbook

Elite Divers 424 Route 46 West  Rockaway, NJ 07866 (973) 586-2214 (973) 586-1319 (FAX) http://www.elitedivers.com

Divers all have their own personal goals and motivations  Whether it's searching for treasure, playing on wrecks, studying the underwater environment...or just simply diving for the joy of it.   But then there are the "Grocery Divers"....the ones who's only goal is to come up with dinner!  They consider diving nothing more than a free shopping spree in the world's largest Seafood store (well, of course, not counting boat fees, $3000 worth of gear, and $2000 worth of training, etc.) .

This page is intended for those divers who come up with "groceries", but have absolutely no clue whatsoever what to do with their catch.    Good divers, but unfortunately "culinarily challenged" individuals who could probably burn a pot of boiling water.   It's intended to be pretty simple...   You culinary wizards out there might be entirely annoyed at this page....   For the true Chefs out there, try going to other online recipe databases such as "Arielle's Recipe Archive", "Simply Seafood", or "Coop favorites" for much better collections of recipes.   Or, just try doing a "Google" search for a type of fish...and don't forget to use the word "recipe" in your search.

If you are, in fact, "culinarily challenged", before you start cooking, make sure there's a fire extinguisher nearby, a burn kit, all the batteries in your smoke alarms have been replaced...and the local Fire Department has been placed on "standby".    

There's really only a few types of things commonly found on the wrecks we dive on.   Mussels, Lobsters, Scallops...and various forms of fish!  

Mussels Marinara:

Mussel gathering: Pretty much pulled from the sides of wrecks.  They like the corroding metal.   I like to grab the mussels maybe 10" from the bottom, not the ones directly at the bottom.  The higher ones are cleaner.     If you are diving for mussels, give great consideration for diving with minimum weights...    Dive a little light (pull yourself down the anchor line for the first few feet instead).  The reason is that a full "goody bag" of mussels can get heavy, so you might need all the buoyancy you can muster up at the dive's end..   Or dive with a lift bag.     Anyway, just pull the clumps of mussels and get 'em into your goody bags.   The local fish will love you for this as they eat up all the debris.

On the way into port, have the boat's mate tie up your mussel-filled goody bag to drag behind the boat, right in the roughest part of the wake.  The turbulence of the boat's wake will clean the mussels for you...an annoying task by hand...  (These guys survive on your tips, so please remember to treat 'em right! :-))

Transport: Place 'em in a cooler, on ice that's allowed to drain. 

Prep: Once home, carefully go thru the mussels.  Discard anything that's been broken by rough transit, or otherwise looks "different" or bad.   Take no chances...(read that again! Ask yourself if you like 10 days of the trots & stomach cramps).        After cleaning & sorting, it's really a matter of steaming the little critters to death in a large steamer pot.  All you need to do is find a large steamer pot (one of those big black enamel lobster steamer pots-$20 at Kmart- that has a tall upper section pot part with holes on the bottom that nests into the shorter, lower section that holds the water...and a lid of course), fill the bottom with about an inch of water.    [You can always make a makeshift steamer pot too:  Fill a large pot with an inch or two of water.  Put a colander inside of the pot, or something that might approximate it by holding the food above the water).  Close the lid and allow the steam to accumulate. ]

Cooking: Place the mussels in the assembled steamer pot, but not exactly up to the top.   Give the mussels a little room to expand and open up.   Get the water boiling.  Once boiling, you can turn down the heat a little....remember, you're not trying to weld...you're only trying to create gentle steam!     Leave the mussels in the pot for about 10 minutes or so.  You don't want to check them every 2 seconds, cause the steam will escape from the steamer pot, hence slowing/stopping cooking.     After 10 minutes is up, sneak a peek.   They are done when all of the mussels have popped open on their own..  If they haven't, then let 'em steam some more.   If they're all open, yet one or two have not opened, discard those particular ones.

In the mean time, get the Marinara sauce hot and ready.   Although there's many recipes for Marina Sauce, and I'd encourage you to make your own, you should not be ashamed to buy commercially available Marinara Sauce, and just heat it up in a saucepan on low heat.  (You've been diving all day, you're tired!)   Be careful not to burn it...(it often has some sugar in it and it will burn..stir often).    

[Emergency Marinara substitution:  You could doctor up some tomato based pasta sauce with just a bit of some commercially available Hot Pepper Sauce...and maybe some fresh cracked pepper.  Should have a nice zing to it, but not torture.]  

Serving:   Once the mussels are steamed and nicely opened up, put them out onto some sort of serving tray.   Pour the Marinara sauce right over the mussels evenly, making sure to get some sauce on and into as many mussels as you can.  Serve immediately.   Serve extra Marinara sauce on the side.

Be sure to serve with plenty of napkins, a place to put the spent shells...and tons and tons of crusty bread, with butter...and of course, Lots of Cold Beer.  .  Best eaten outside.  It can be a freakin' mess.

Lobster

Catching:  Lobsters come out at night to feed, so twilight and/or predawn dives are better.   Lobsters, often referred to as "bugs" in the diving community, like to live in holes and crevices.  As an example of a perfect place to look would be under the intact hull of a boat, where it meets the bottom...   They sit in the hole, tail-end in, claws outstretched to the opening.    Some folks use a "tickle stick" to coax the lobster out of the hole*.   The lobster may grasp it with his claw, but since they have slow reactions, they don't let go in time, and get pulled out of the hole.   You have to grab it from behind, from it's back, right behind it's head so it doesn't pinch you.  Get it into your bag quickly.   Other folks just stick their gloved hand right into the hole, get pinched by the bug, and yank it right out.    They say it only hurts a little bit....yeah right.    The boat's mates will measure it* and rubberband it's claws for you.   (Again, please tip the boat crew generously).

*I'm not necessarily up on what's legally acceptable.   I've heard that in some places, tickle sticks are banned.  There are also very serious laws regarding what Lobsters are acceptable to take, (i.e. size, if it's pregnant, etc).    Please confer with the boat crew for advice....and LISTEN TO THEM.  (These are the last guys you should be arguing with...remember, you're out in THE OCEAN.   Crew Outnumbers you.    If your dismembered body parts end up feeding the marine life, they won't consider it a great loss, and your gear is worth something on E-Bay, and all of the other divers "saw nuttin'"!   :-) ).     

Transporting:   Place them in a cooler, right on top of ice.  Drain the cooler of water... Drink the rest of those Cold Beers to make room.    Hand the car keys to your sober friend (to insure the safety of the Lobsters!).   The Lobsters should remain live for a few days like this...but you want to cook 'em ASAP.

Cooking:   There's several acceptable ways to cook a lobster.     The basics are, Boiling, Steaming, Broiling, Grilling...all pretty easy, but broiling is perhaps the more advanced method, best left up to others.

To Steam:   (Let's pretend you know how to use a steamer, now that you've made the mussels above).   Simply drop the lobsters into the steamer pot and steam.   Listen to it struggle, hiss and scream as it dies an agonizing, horrible death.     They are done when the shells have turned bright red!   1 lb-ers could take 8 minutes, 3 lb-ers could take 15+ minutes..    Just gotta look and see, without loosing too much steam.  If in doubt, leave in a little longer.   

To Boil:   Similar to steaming..a little quicker though.   Simply drop the lobsters into a large pot of boiling water.    They are done when the shells have turned bright red!   1 lb-ers could take 6 minutes, 3 lb-ers could take 10+ minutes..     If in doubt, leave in a little longer. 

To Grill:   Get your grill going with medium heat.   Do not cook *anything* on black coals, wait till they're grey.    Put the Lobster on whole, and flip the whole thing right onto the grill.  Close the lid.   The juices inside will steam, cooking the flesh itself.  Flip once or twice.     Same as above...done when it's red!  Maybe 15 minutes, depending on the size.

To Broil:   The difficulty here is splitting down it's belly all the way to it's tail first, then spreading the shell open to expose the tail meat.  If you've never done it before, consider steaming...or even better, going for pizza!      (If you're gonna go for it, and you consider yourself a spaz with the knife, get the first-aid kit closer, and the gauze ready).    Anyway, once you've done this,   Brush with tail meat with butter.  Sprinkle with some spices if you're so moved...but I like it un-spiced.    The lobster is then placed, belly up on the broiling tray, and sent under the broiler.    It's one of those things that you need to watch carefully,  so you don't burn it.  Very dependant on the Broiler you use, with respect to how hot, and how far from the flame.      You might want to baste it with a little more butter halfway thru the cooking process.   Shouldn't take much more than about 8-12+ minutes or so, depending on the size of the lobster.    Cooked lobster flesh goes from translucent and soft to white/red and firm, in a similar way that chicken does..     

Serving: First serve New England Clam Chowder, then a green salad with homemade croutons (Bwahhahaha,   yeah, like anybody reading this far is actually gonna make their own croutons (OK, take some bacon fat and a little olive oil, and stir fry a few breadcubes in it.!).   Serve the Lobster with Melted Butter, Fresh Bread w/butter, Baked Potato w/sour cream & chives, Lots of napkins, lots of extra plates for shells.  Nutcrackers, EMT shears, Dive Knives, Band-Aids.   And of course, Bud in Cans.   Best served outside on the deck, or next to a pool, so you can hose everything down when you're done, including yourselves!   

Sickos:  Take the lobster's head section, place it on your own forehead, move the antennae in opposing directions with your fingers, and in a monotone space creature voice, say over and over again, "We Mean No harm to Your Planet!!".     Your children will giggle hysterically.   Your spouse won't talk to you for days..    Your friends may secretly call the clinic on you (again).     (This is probably a good time to have your medications adjusted). 

Scallops 

Nick tells me that they're common around here, so I'll believe him.   Until very recently, I thought Scallops originated in small light blue foam trays wrapped in saran wrap, resting on a little mini tampon.      Scallops are found on the sandy bottom near the wreck.   Usually in little depressions...you just scoop 'em out.     

I'd store 'em on draining ice, much like clams or lobsters.

It takes a little skill to open 'em up.   A special scallop knife is used to open the scallop shell.   The knife is used to cut around the scallop, to remove the snotty sack of disgustingness from around the scallop.   Once that's peeled away and fed to the seagulls, the edible portion of the scallop is left in the center.  This is scraped from the shell.   Store the scallops in a tupperware container or a ziplock baggie, on ice.   Eat within a day or two. 

Saute':   Sear both sides of the scallop in a hot pan (with a little bit of vegetable oil) right on top of the stove, about 2 minutes per side, to get a slightly browned skin on it. Remove, set aside. (Tough to describe a done scallop...it's done when it's "rare" inside..still a bit springy in texture..  ..it's much more firmer than when it first started, but it shouldn't be overcooked, or it'll be hard and taste like surgical tubing).      Add about half stick of butter to the pan (med-high heat), with some fresh minced garlic (2 cloves), and some (1/4-1/2 cup) white wine, or blush wine if all your drunken friends killed all the white wine.....maybe some salt & pepper & some parsley.   (Can also add some sliced shallots, or chopped green onions).   Simmer a little bit till it reduces (some of the liquid steams away..5 minutes or so)...    Throw the scallops back into the pan, and immediately pour the entire contents of the pan onto fresh-made pasta, or rice.

Broil:    Mix a few tablespoons of melted butter, some minced garlic, and some white wine together, brush over scallops.  Sprinkle with some Salt & Fresh Cracked Pepper.   Broil!.     You can flip it once, just re-baste the (new) top.   Shouldn't take long...  2 minutes per side, depending on how far from the broiler you are.  (Tough to describe a done scallop...it's done when it's "rare" inside..still a bit springy in texture..  ..it's much more firmer than when it first started, but it shouldn't be overcooked, or it'll be hard and taste like surgical tubing).   It's probably done if the smoke alarms are going off  :-).

Serving:   Extinguish flames and  scrape off char, if appropriate.  :-)     Scallops are culinarily fragile, to be eaten immediately,  much in the same way that your Frosted Flakes just don't cut it after more than 10 minutes in milk.       Serve scallops over Angel hair pasta or Linguini, or white rice..    Although White or a Blush wine would make sense, Cold Beer in cans makes even more sense.    

Super Nice: Take strips of bacon, wrap around raw scallop's circumference, skewar!   Put 3 or 4 of them on a skewar.   (If scallops are very large, cut scallop in half, and use less bacon to wrap each half).    Grill till done, flipping periodically!    Baste w/Garlic butter while cooking, or any marinade you feel appropriate.    Finish off with BBQ sauce in the last few minutes of cooking (so it won't burn).   Serve Immediately.     (hint:  If using wooden skewars, soak in water for a while first to minimize burning).  

Fish 

There are various types of fish common around NJ Wrecks, all dependant on the time of the year.    Blues, flounder, etc..   I'm not much of a fisherman here.    I've never gone spearfishing, so I can't really tell you how to do it.    Personally, I never thought it was a good idea to injure fish near dive sites...simply because it attracts sharks.   (When diving, always remember that you no longer reside at the top of the food chain!).    I'm also not a fan of spearfish apparatus near other divers.   But that's just me...

[Alternative Approach to catching Fish:   Go to Denville Seafood, ask for Joey.  Buy Fish, Bring Home, tell everyone you caught it yourself!    This is perfectly acceptable because everyone knows what an incredible macho stud you are already.  Discard receipt. ].

Anyway, the following recipe is sort of an easy generic way to cook almost any type of fish.   You almost can't go wrong with it.

Cleaning:   Quite often the boat's mate would be willing to clean the fish for you.    I prefer fillets, so let's run with that....   This method also lends itself to fish steaks (Fish cut cross-sectional....normally done to bigger fish), Fillets (one side of the fish) or also for the whole, cleaned (gutted & de-scaled) fish.  

Transporting:  Just drop the fillets into a Ziplock bag and put it on ice!.   Go ahead, kill the rest of those Beers to make room.

Prep (fillets or steaks):  Cut a large square of heavy duty aluminum foil, about 3 or 4 times as big as the fish fillet.   Place about 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil onto the foil and spread it around in an area the size of the fish fillet.    Place fillet directly onto the oiled foil.  Place a few rings of green pepper, red pepper, and rings of a thickly sliced onion on top of the fillet.  Sprinkle with some garlic powder, kosher salt, fresh cracked pepper, celery salt..and anything else you like.  Could also sprinkle some fresh squeezed lemon juice in.   Drop a large pat of butter onto the pile.    Fold up the foil into a "Drugstore wrap", which basically a square looking sealed pouch of foil.   [Tough to describe, but I'll try:  lift the upper edge of the foil, and the lower edge of the foil, and bring it together directly over the pile.  Fold the edges of the foil into a long seam...    Then flatten the foil to the left of the fish.   Fold the foil over so there's a 3/4" seam at the end.  Roll this towards the center of the fish pouch.  .  Do the same to the right side of the pouch.  What's left is a square pouch.]. 

Prep ("whole fish" modification):   Basically done the same as above.   I'd place rings of 1/4"-1/2" sliced lemon between the fish and the oiled foil as an insulator against burn.   Stuff the cavity with the onions/peppers.   Or even some fresh herbs.    Add a little extra butter/liquids/wine.  Extra spices.   

Grilling or Broiling:  Place the pouch onto the grill, or into the preheated broiler, making sure the seams are not facing down, or the juices may flow out.     The fish will steam itself and the veggies inside the pouch.   Be very careful not to pierce the pouch or the juices will just get all over the place, and it won't steam itself (it'll burn). 

Give it 10-12 minutes or so, depending on the hotness of the flame, thickness of the fillet, and how far it is from the coals.. The whole fish should take longer...  There's no real way to check for doneness without unfolding the pouch (unfold carefully so you don't tear it).  Check with a meat thermometer...internal temp of 135 minimum.   If you don't have a thermometer, make one the guinea pig, and use that one to determine if the others are done!  (Cut open the fish in the thickest part, and make sure it's cooked all the way thru...if you don't know what that means, go to McDonalds and buy McFish sandwichs, it'll be safer for everyone involved)     If the fish seems undercooked, refold pouch, and return to the grill.   If it smells like you're burning it, you probably are.

Serving:  Tear open the pouch, serve with the rest of the meal.   Serve right in the foil!  Watch for bones.  Minimal cleanup!    Serve with Ice Cold Beers..or blush/white wines!!

Elite Diver's Very Lame Cookbook written by Ed Zuckerman...who will assume zero responsibility for bad results, but would like to know if you found this helpful..or if anything needs to be changed.  Enjoy!   Come visit Eddie's "Eddie's Portable Pigout" Website. (If you catch a really huge fish, Pending availability, Eddie can roast it whole with his Pigroaster!  (There's a 20lb salmon in there, among other things)).